Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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