life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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