Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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