Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
