y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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