I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize