i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I need a burrito and a hug.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
