and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
