I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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