I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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