Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
