Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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