i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
