Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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