Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
