I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
