Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
