smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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