Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You know, be my cock's hype man.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
