The best revenge is premature balding
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We're too hungover to prance.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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