just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
His hands were made for my vagina.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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