i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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