I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
