I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
