Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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