Farmville is her only friend.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
