When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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