is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
