Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
