Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I smell like Dick and happiness
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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