8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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