Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
