I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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