some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
