I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
