How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize