i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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