It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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