Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
i need some magic done to my vagina
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
