Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
