remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize