There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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