If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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