dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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