My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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