I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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