i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
