He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
