he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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