she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize