I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You are a genius and a whore.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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