If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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