happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
