Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I need water and some morals
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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