I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
