her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
