Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
