i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
