I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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