I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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