does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
