sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
