It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
