My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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