I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
