Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
