woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
