You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
