i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
