Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
